(Extract from the children's story manuscriptNot a bedtime story)
‘What’s that?’ cried the wolf, pointing out the cockpit window. ‘What’s what?’ asked Little Bear. ‘Th-that…!’ They could see it spinning in the darkness… a massive dark hole, slowly spinning in the dark universe. And they were flying towards it at the speed of light. ‘Cool!’ said Little Bear. ‘Aaaaaah!’ screamed Goldilocks, ‘we’re all gonna die!’
‘This is your captain speaking,’ announced the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny. ‘We’re about to hit some turbulence. For your safety, please make sure your lunch boxes are securely stored in the overhead lockers, fasten your seatbelts and bring your seats to the upright position. Oh – and hang on!’ Bump. The space ship rattled and rolled like a comet in a cosmic pinball machine. ‘Aaaaaah!’ screamed the llamas. The space ship trembled violently. ‘Baaaaah!’ screamed the sheep. ‘We’re… out … of … control,’ said Little Bear, desperately pulling back on the throttle. They were being sucked into a super massive black hole, in the middle of the endless, black universe. ‘We can’t escape the gravitational pull,’ said the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny. ‘Aaaaaah!’ screamed the wolf. Then, everything blacked out.
‘Aaaaaah!’ screamed the goats. The ship was falling into a bottomless black pit. ‘Aaaaaah!’ screamed Mummy Bear. They fell endlessly, into nothing. ‘Wee!’ yelled the little pig, ‘this is fun!’ ‘Aaaaaaah... we’re all gonna die!’ Then, more blackness.
‘What happened?’ ‘Where are we?’ ‘This is like, totally weird,’ said Goldilocks. The space ship drifted lazily in a purple-green space ocean. Pink lightning bolts zapped around them, while fluorescent yellow-orange whirlpools swirled across the heavens. ‘This is awesome,’ said Little Bear. ‘Err, captain? Can you get us back out of this black hole?’ asked Daddy Bear. ‘No way!’ said Little Bear, ‘everything that gets sucked into it stays here – forever.’ ‘Aaaaaah… we’re all gonna die!’ screamed Goldilocks.
The Kung Fu Fighting Bunny checked his map of the universe. The cockpit gadgets were spinning madly and he couldn’t pinpoint their location. Outside, the fluorescent whirlpools collided in a spectacular fireworks display. Interesting, thought the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny. He scrutinized the ship’s gadgets. He gazed at his numchuckers. He stared at the gadgets again. He looked up and saw the swirling clouds of fluorescent light. He stared at the cockpit gadgets once more. ‘I've now switched on the seatbelt sign,’ he announced to the passengers. ‘We’re getting out of here.’ The Kung Fu Fighting Bunny pressed three red buttons. He pushed the throttle to full capacity and whacked the gadgets with his numchuckers. Everything went into slow motion, as if moving through thick mud soup. Goldilocks, the three bears, three pigs, three sheep, three goats, three llamas, the wolf and Kung Fu Fighting Bunny drifted apart, filling the cabin with floating eye balls, ears, hooves, tails, mouths, arms, legs, and Batman undies. The purple stars blinked once and the space ship disappeared in a blinding flash.
Ten space seconds later, as the ship stabilised, snouts, eyes, ears and hooves re-attached themselves to bodies. ‘Hey, that’s my hoof on your head,’ said a llama with goat horns sticking out of his stomach. ‘Look… the wolf’s got a pig’s snout on his bum.’ ‘Oh yeah? You don’t look any better with a bellybutton on your face!’ ‘Why have we got ears instead of hooves?’ cried the sheep. ‘That’s the most random collection of space animals that ever floated through space,’ said Daddy Bear, shaking his head. ‘And it’s so wrong.’ ‘Mum! You’ve got a big --’ ‘No, I don’t want to know,’ said Mummy Bear.
That’s interesting, thought the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny, scratching his woolly dreadlocks. He checked his map again, wrote down a maths equation and peered at the ship’s gadgets. He pushed the throttle forward, pressed two yellow buttons and gave the gadgets another whack with his numchuckers. ‘Oh no, not again,’ said the wolf. ‘Wee, this is ---.’ The stars blinked and the space ship disappeared into warp drive.
In the vast expanse of space, the stars twinkled and eight planets continued their eternal orbit around the sun. Goldilocks, the three bears, three pigs, three sheep, three goats, three llamas, the wolf and the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny glanced nervously at each other. ‘We’re back!’ Little Bear shouted, ‘We did it!’ ‘I don’t mean to be a party-pooper,’ Mummy Bear interrupted, ‘but we still need to get back to Earth.’ ‘Oh…’ The animals looked expectantly at the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, turning the space ship towards the small blue-green planet. ‘We’ll be back in time for dinner!’
The Kung Fu Fighting Bunny checked the coordinates for their landing, twirled a red dial and pressed a green button. ‘Hold on tight.’ With seatbelts fastened and life jackets secured, the animals braced themselves for their final plunge into the earth’s atmosphere. The ship trembled violently as it re-entered the upper stratosphere, the extreme heat and speed peeling away the outer casing. ‘There goes the wing,’ Daddy Bear announced. ‘Err, captain?’ said the wolf, ‘we’ve got a gaping hole in the ship.’ ‘Aaaaaah… we’re all gonna die!’ screamed Goldilocks.
Twenty kilometres above the ground, the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny pressed the emergency button, activating a large inflatable air bag. ‘Hang on!’ he yelled. The ship hit the ground, bounced twice and landed nose first into a deep lake, spilling Goldilocks, the three bears, three pigs, three sheep, three goats, three llamas, the wolf and the Kung Fu Fighting Bunny into the water. ‘Well, that was dumb,’ said Goldilocks.